This is funny how we start contradicting our own philosophies after following them for years only after damaging a lot of relationships and bonds because of them but that’s how humans are. We learn only after losing, well almost.
It is that time of the year when monsoons are at its full blossom. It is drizzling continuously since morning and the surroundings are all lush green and beautiful. Our town is situated right under the foothills and that’s why quite popular with the tourists. At the end of the lane in the corner there is Nathu sweet shop and the monsoons bring the windfall for him not just because his shop is situated in a market abuzz with the tourists but also because he makes some scrumptious Samosas and Jalebis.
That’s how I met her, Anu. She was standing in the queue waiting for her turn to get the Jalebis and sweets and I was just behind her. Something was very special about her that I fell for her in that moment even knowing that she could just be a tourist visiting the place. She was a tourist indeed but thankfully that wasn’t our first and last meeting. A month later I went to Delhi to attend a bloggers meet and guess what, there she was, hosting that event. She obviously couldn’t recognize me but I did. After the event I invented a reason or two to talk to her and told her that I first saw her at my hometown. Conversations started flowing from both the sides. I can still feel the excitement I had in that moment while talking to her. Our conversations continued to a table in the restaurant that evening and then followed by the late night sessions on the phone. I think we both knew what’s happening but none of us conveyed. Sometimes it’s best to just feel a moment than killing it with over thinking.
Describing Anu: she has always been a mystery since the starting. One moment you feel like she’s totally into you and another moment she is detached. One moment she’s such a practical person and another moment she’s a dreamer. I remember once I asked her the significance of the tattoos she has, a butterfly and stars on her arm and a Koy fish on her leg. She said that Koy fish depicts her sun sign but what she explained about the butterfly and stars is what truly defines her. She said a butterfly because that’s how she is, someone who’s a wanderer, someone who wants to explore, someone who wants to experience the world while the stars depicts the dreamer in her. Trust me that’s how she is, sometimes she’s just yours and the very next moment she’s detached and all set to realize her dreams.
I have loved her for all these reasons, I have loved her for those beautiful eyes which look at you while weaving a million dreams in their backyard. The very reasons for which I love her were also the ones I was insecure about her. I always knew that sooner or later my insecurities will get heavier and destroy this relationship but maybe I wasn’t strong enough to keep them in control. I think sometimes in a relationship it gets very important to trust your partner and go with the flow. My biggest mistake was that I wanted to control everything, from our relationship to Anu, I wanted to control everything.
One day the hell broke loose and she called it quit and left to not come back.
I always saw it coming but somehow never made a conscious effort to improve the situation. But now an year has passed and there wasn’t a single day when I haven’t missed her. I was always living in the constant fear of losing her but when I lost her I realized that it wasn’t because of her but I have lost her to my fears and insecurities.
May be we can be strangers again and start a fresh but the sequence of events can definitely change therefore I’m standing just outside her door ready to knock. They say opportunities don’t knock twice but they never mentioned that we can’t knock it the second time 😉