I realized my forehead vein was swelling. I could feel the pressure; I tried to grab hold the branch of the tree but it was far from my reach. Minutes before I was a hero, posing for shots and now I was thinking that very soon the best shot will be framed and may be hanged on the wall in my drawing room with a Chinese Garland on it with a caption Mr. Rajesh Nath (16.08.1990 – 30.05.2015)
The thought sent a shiver down to my spine and I wet my jeans (not much, a drop or two). I had a look at the rally ahead and with all the people facing at the stage I thought I chose a wrong tree. I could see a big Neem tree just adjacent to the stage exactly in front of Mr. Dharnawal, I realized had I climbed up there bifurcation of the crowd and camera team wouldn’t have been required and I could have easily been in shot of big dangling AAJ TAK camera as well. While revolving in air tied from neck and suffocating I saw mananiyepoet Ajit BC ji making a weird expression apparently confirming from his subordinate if I am still a Mr. or Late Mr.
I tried again to shout and tell the crowd that I am no more acting and actually stuck, but nobody bothered. I saw a kid pointing towards me showing his dad, while being on his shoulder. He was making an expression with his right hand in the air, slowly sliding down as that of a crashing plane. There was a vibration in my right thigh, I thought it was priya suggesting for some tips etc. but I wasn’t late to realize that the phone was in my shirt’s pocket and it was the numbness approaching my assets. With this, I again thought of priya L.
I am supposed to get famous today. With a CGPA of 4.6 in engineering from IIT and 4.7 in MBA I am not loser to hang myself with a used towel borrowed from Rathi Samosa Corner. I just slipped. Only mistake I did was the miscalculation and didn’t realize the thin line between life and death that was there on the ill-fated tree.
I left home early to fetch the most promising slot. Mom and Dad were amazed to see me ready at 7 AM. It was a job interview for them, I texted priya “GM Nonu, Going for the big shot. Just hope all goes well. Stay tuned, gonna wink and kiss you on TV today, keep focus on my eyes Love You jaan. By the way, wearing your favorite Blue trousers along with Yellow shirt just to catch the eye since it’s not a very unique thing and there might be others on adjacent trees J Mwahh.
Ever since CPAP party has taken the reins of Delhi there is madness in the air. There is so much of optimism, enthusiasm and good will thinking that now everything will be set right. We can express ourselves in the way we want. I shouldn’t be sitting idle with so much high quality degrees and my parents didn’t spent lacs for my MBA so that I can apply for a post of peon in DDA. I planned to get attention, interview, and then job by climbing on a tree near to the political rally of the city against something (I wasn’t concerned for the reason, for me the rally was my podium). Had I worked upon the tactics to walk securely on a tree branch I would have been Arnab-ed in the News Hour as well tonight.
As soon as I realized that I wasn’t getting any major attention with the balancing and waving act on the farthest possible branch of the tree I thought to pretend hanging and committing suicide. With around 200 + well behaved and educated people, police, and media keeping a tab on me I was sure nothing can go wrong. I tied one end to the tree tightly and one my neck loosely. I shouted “ Aethe wekho aethe, hun main ki kardan” I swayed one leg air. The people standing just near the tree shouted and requested “Don’t do it, come down”. I was happy to see the plan working; I repeated it several times with dancing on my foot completely relying on the tightness of the upper tie. It worked well in all contexts. The crowd was swelling and I realized even if this doesn’t work I will be able to impress at Jumbo Circus, Karkardooma with my ‘swaying on the tree’ tricks. I saw policeman showing me the traditional Oiled Bamboo and instructing to get down immediately.
I saw a disillusioned big buffalo on the tree of almost same height just across the road and was utterly surprise as to what problem she might have to take such risk of climbing up the tree as me. I mean I can walk on two legs and she must have put in a lot of efforts to reach there. But in the next blink she wasn’t there and I realized that it was only my mind’s excitement. I was thankful as well as definitely if it had been a buffalo she would have more publicity than me.
The policeman grabbed my attention immediately as he was pointing the oiled bamboo between my legs. I thought to wind it off but I had to make sure that I was noticed otherwise at the end of I didn’t want to have bamboo wounds only. I hate to sleep upside down. I look for Khasihodiya ji who knew me for long and had an idea of what and why I am doing. I couldn’t find him. I could see four five cameras on me and 15-20 smart phones clicking and shooting me. I made sure to give an eye contact only to I phones though. As I was calculating the steps to reach the base of the tree I was feeling happy for my act, I was delighted that I could use the political platform for my good as political parties have been using us for their good for ages. Only thing that was a worry for me was the number of Oiled Bamboos was increasing downstairs. I planned to directly go and talk to the cute looking girl who was holding mike and constantly staring desperately at me as if the first thing she will say to me would be “Spank Me”. I am sorry I know its exaggeration, but can’t help you see I am just 24 year old young jobless virgin boy. As I stepped ahead I lost my balance and next thing I know was that I was helplessly hanging 50 feet above the ground with the rotten smelling towel around my neck.
I saw people started shouting and pin pointing at me. I was getting more than expected likes but I was definitely loosing comfort. In another 5 minutes I realized that people were not serious about me struggling for life. I shouted “help me” but I could not see any OBDs (Oiled Bamboo Drivers) standing there now, I could not think where they have gone. The strength of the crowd was giving competition to that of the final speech of Mr. Dharnawal. But this time I wasn’t enjoying it. The number of I Phones shooting me increased manifolds but I think there audio was not working as they could not hear my shouts. I could not feel my legs anymore and wasn’t able to move my head.
While rotating in the air dangling to the towel I was moving clockwise and anti-clockwise. I saw a sea of crowd watching me with mixed feeling. Some were excited, some were worried, some were smiling, some were sad. I could easily identify each and every feeling that people down the ground were having it. I thought most of the people must be sane minded but yet having different feelings for me. Politics was taking leverage, police was shying away, media wasn’t missing any of move (I couldn’t even scratch my crotch, while my hand were in motion), priya must have updated FB status appropriately and it was only me and me who is the most stupid at this hour. I am a normal guy with usual aspirations of setting up a comfortable life for me and my family.
Just when the wind rotated my hanging body towards the base of the tree I saw two people stretching their hands towards me for holding it. It gave me immense satisfaction that thankfully someone has come to save me but simultaneously I also realized it’s all in the hands of that dangling towel tied to my neck as I could hardly move any part of my body. I was losing consciousness and was praying for them to get hold of me and save me. I saw one of them being aggressive and extended his hand to touch my shoulder…………………………
I don’t remember anything after that.
I was thinking I wasn’t tired after such non-stop narration of the day’s story. I wasn’t sweating; I wasn’t tired neither was feeling thirsty. I was worried if all was recorded properly as I could not see any camera and there was only one light on me and that guy, sitting across table. I tried hard to recollect how I reached the studio and how I got down from the tree.
There was a pin drop silence in the room. The guy gave me a tight slap on my right cheek. I was lost and could see stars…
“What was the need to climb the tree?” said the guy.
I understand I created panic for everyone but I didn’t intend to. I didn’t know that politicians will give importance to their gathering and not a suicide attempter. I didn’t know that people of my country are least concern for other’s problem. I still recollect sad young women with chura in her hands staring in my eyes while I was hanging. She was visibly upset and I am sure she was thinking to take similar step. She was sounding like calculating the time and pain involved in the process. Hoga koi pyaar ka lafda.
I just wanted to earn food for living and I was sure that I would be famous. Please ensure to edit the slap before airing it.
“Yes you are famous, see you are on every channel, that’s your tricking steps on the Tree” The guy pointed towards the TV.
Ohh wow, finally I got it. I was just a little dicey for getting on this branch but the angle is perfect. Had I being on other one shot wouldn’t have been this good.
“At the start of the story why did you said you were wearing blue when your jeans is black?” the guy asked
You missed the first words I said her favorite, I was talking about my underpants.
“They have given you 10.00 Lacs, a Job and there is now a scheme in your name”
Thank God but when do I join and why do you speak so slowly and why are you staring at me so badly. How long will it take for this interview?
“It’s not an interview son” said the guy and moved towards the exit gate of the room and left.
He Glanced back and said “Switch off the Air Conditioner before you leave the room and it wasn’t a buffalo that you saw on the tree opposite you, it was me on my ride”
Oh I thought it was an illusion, by the way how do you know what I thinking, and who are you?
I am Yama. It’s Pack Up!!
Note: This story is written by my very dear friend Amit Babbar as a guest blogger.
Note: This story is written by my very dear friend Amit Babbar as a guest blogger.