It’s been years since we have parted ways but still the pain and the agony persists and somehow ‘Time heals everything’ seems not to be working for me. Its not that life is not going normally but then there is something that’s always with you. A thought so deep rooted denying to leave me alone. A pain which by now have made a permanent place in me, without which life seems to be incomplete. It’s so strange, with time, how we even get attached to our pains and agonies. Every year as the fall arrives, I get even more drenched in her thoughts. An attachment with her absence, in a way as if she is there in the thoughts of my emptiness, goes stronger.
A hope of meeting her again kept me going through the unknown terrains of life. An evening always end with the notes of melancholy but then there always was a morning with the hope of meeting her again, seeing that face again. There always existed a dream beyond the walls of reality where I am with her, living a life full of beautiful moments and surrounded by the world that is in harmony with us and with this relationship. A place where everyone is happy to see us together. I sometimes wish I could break this wall and let these two worlds be in sync with love and life but this somehow can’t happen and these worlds would always be distant. There would always be this wall of reality which wouldn’t let the two dreams meet.
But one day I decided to go for it, I decided to get what I’d always dreamt of. I decided to find her, meet her and complete what I’d left incomplete. All these thoughts, dreams and these pains have something to do with my life. For the last 4 years I’d not been able to let her go, has something to do. May be its written in my destiny to get her back that’s why I’m not able to get over her and that is why my love for her have only grown stronger and deeper in all these years. I was overjoyed with just the thought of finding her again.
Few days later, as a result of an intensive search I was able to locate her. I happened to meet a common friend who was still in contact with her. Without wasting much time I took her address and decided to give her a pleasant surprise. This overnight journey to her place seemed to be a journey of the lifetime. From the world of my realities to the world which I’d always dreamt of. The whole night I kept awake in the fear of missing her station if I would fall asleep. Strange enough, even after not sleeping for more than 24 hours, I could feel the blast of energy probably because of the excitement to see her again.
Finally, came my destination. As I stepped out of the train my phone rang, it was that common friend who gave me her address. “He must be calling to tell me the exact location.” I thought and picked up the phone. “Listen Abhay, when we met yesterday I was so much carried away with your feelings for her that I was not able to collect guts to tell you that she’s a happily married woman now. Your meeting with her can bring a storm in her married life. But still I would leave the decision on you.” He said and disconnected.
For a moment it felt like the earth had stood still. Everything had stopped and life ceased to exist, as I could feel a complete blackout in my mind and body. There was no energy to even stand still. I sat at the bench nearby, facing the green lush farms on the opposite side of the platform. “All these years when I’s drenched in her thoughts and memories, she was having fun in her life.” I thought. These thoughts, pains and feelings are only confined to me. The melancholy of the nights and the loneliness of the day which I always misunderstood as a connection between us never existed and the life which I chose for myself was not destiny but a mistake. I failed to learn from a mistake I made years ago. I realized how time always moved forward but I’d always chosen to live in the past.
After a rush of strong negative emotions, suddenly, I felt lighter. As if something was sitting on my head since ages have fallen off. It was a sense of relief. A feeling so strange which had the sorrow of getting apart but also the satisfaction of letting it go. I realized, the sequence of events I’d gone through in last few days were actually necessary to flush out the remains of a failed relationship.
Sometimes when we fail to move ahead, life takes us through such turns and twists to make us realize that everything except you, have moved ahead and changed for a different perspectives in life. Life is not a scripted stage show, instead, Life is a chaos..personified.